Of all the overused phrases, the one I most dislike is about children being naturally ‘resilient.’ The concept is not entirely formed from mistruth, but context can’t be ignored.

You can use the phrase all you want; go for it if your child has had cause to be the R word. But it’s not necessarily a given. Children may be resilient (and if some aren’t, that’s okay), but we need to take a closer look at the why, rather than assuming they’ll all do it.

I would argue, if you’re trotting out this line in a generic fashion in casual conversation (see above point about it being fine if it’s specific), then it’s probably because you have required your child to be resilient at some point. The necessity came from you, not them. And they managed it, but only because they had to.

Resilience is a word often attributed to our son, but I choose to put his example under the lens. It was all pretty normal, and then we moved, and it wasn’t. We set him some Tasks of Hercules (accidentally and on purpose), and he overcame those. The more we set, the more he overcame. We moved again. He overcame other stuff on top of that (not from us, just stuff). And then he accidentally created more things to overcome and overcame those as well. Because by then he was, well, resilient.

And now here he is, stepping over the threshold to his 21st birthday with ‘resilience’ tattooed onto his arm in the form of a phoenix, trailing behind him:
2 changes of country
5 changes of school
7 house moves
And a lot of very brilliant stuff in the mix. Because it hasn’t all been bad, lots of it has been very good.

If resilience is gained from tricky times, what does it give in return? It’s the reason why he loves far-away food and far-away travel. Why he all at once has a measured view of life, yet turns over tiny stones and discovers chasms. Why he surrounds himself instinctively with good people. Why he knows when to pack it in and when to get back on it. And why he’s so very, very funny.

The point of all this is, and he may or may not agree, is that people who call their children resilient owe their offspring a massive thank you. So, here’s ours:

Thank you, JWRL, and happy 21st. You’re bloody brilliant. What’s next? x